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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
 

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During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine." o_O
 

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I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many".

I replied, "What, drinks?"

He said, "No, birthdays!"
 

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I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...
He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

.
 

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A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

The man replied 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
 

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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
 

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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
 

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A man is lying in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour operation. A young student nurse comes in to give him a partial bed bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse says 'I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body”.

He struggles and asks again 'No, no, nurse - are my testicles black?'

She overcomes her embarassment, pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and testicles in the other. She lifts them, moves them around and examines them then says, 'No sir, they’re not, there's nothing wrong with them'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly 'Thank you very much nurse, that was wonderful, but listen very closely;

“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
 

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I said to the wife,

“I’ve got a problem.”

She replied,

“No, we have a problem, were a couple, were married, were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.”

Overwhelmed with relief I said, “It’s hardly worth mentioning now.”

But she was insistent on knowing, “what the problem is?”

I then had to explain to her that, “We have got your sister pregnant!”
 

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My wife sent me a text,
"Your great"

So, naturally, I wrote back,
"No, you're great"

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it? :unsure:
 

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A reporter was interviewing the famous Indian, Chief Two Eagles. “Chief”, he asked, the Indians have seen everything the White man has done since coming to this land. What do you think about it all?”

The chief looked at him a minute, and then said “When White man first came, there were no taxes. No debt. Water and air were clean, and there were more buffalo than a man could count. Medicine man was free. No traffic jams. Women did all the work. Men hunted or fished all day, and had sex all night. Only White man could screw up something like that.”
 

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Mrs Ejiofor: “I notice that when I go down on my husband and suck his deck his balls are always cold”.

Mrs Okafor: “My husband's balls are cold too when I suck his deck”.

Mrs Okonkwo was shocked and shouted at them: “How can you both do such thing, it’s disgusting”.

They explained to Mrs Okonkwo that sucking a mans deck was the best way to make him happy.

Mrs Okonkwo said: “I will try this tonight”.

The next day Mrs Ejiofor and Mrs Okafor were shocked to see Mrs Okonkwo's face bruised and she had bandages all over her.

“What happened” they asked.

Mrs Okonkwo said: “Am coming from hospital, Mr Okonkwo did this”.

The other ladies said “But why”?

Mrs Okonkwo said “I don't know, I was sucking his deck and all I said was, "Honey, your balls are cold just like Mr. Ejiofor’s and Mr. Okafor's!"
 

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021

Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$98,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will

probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's

really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!'

MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him

in astonishment, with mouths agape.

Man asks: "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"
 

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5 Ways for a man to be completely happy!

1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh.
2. Be with a woman who gives you her time.
3. Be with a woman who takes care of you.
4. Be with a woman who really loves you.
5. Finally, make sure these four women don't know each other!
 

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“Well, Mr Brown” Says the doctor. I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel.”

“But that’s impossible.” Says Mr Brown.

“I’ve never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children.”

“How old are your children?”

“Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7.”
 

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My wife left a note on the fridge door,

“It’s not working.

I can’t take it anymore.

I am going to my Mum’s place.”



I opened the fridge.

The light came on.

The beer was cold…

What the hell is she talking about?
 

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A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and asks for a picture of Elvis to be done high up on her left thigh. The tattooist does it but the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when it’s done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattooist says "Tell you what, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at them. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees so a customer is called in and the woman pulls her jeans down but accidentally pulls her knickers down as well. She spreads her legs and says "Do you recognize any famous musicians?"

The guy looks, then looks a bit closer, thinks for a minute then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."
 

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The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine.
His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?"
 
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