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A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].”

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”

Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”


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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married.

Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
 

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
 

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Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’

Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’

Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
 

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Reflections of virus


1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.
The other half with a drinking problem

2. I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune, now I
turn it like I'm cracking a safe

3. I need to practise social distancing with the refrigerator

4. I still haven't decided where to go for Easter - the living room or the
bedroom

5. Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit.
Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6. I don't think anyone expected when we changed the clocks, we'd go from
Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

7. This morning, I saw my neighbour talking to her cat again. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. When I got back into the house, I told my dog and we both laughed.

8. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

9. I'm so excited it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

10. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to "Puerto Backyarda" cos I'm getting real tired of "Los Living room"

11. Classified ad:
Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun

12. Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under....!!

Have a fab day
 

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Pulled up at the traffic lights this morning on my way to work, when in the next lane a really tasty looking Mokka pulls up with two stunning looking young women on board.

I looked over and the passenger smiled at me.

I smiled back,

She wound the window down.

So did I.

And she said "OOh You farted too"!!!!

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IT'S NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS


Cardiovascular Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down...































NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a glass of Wine.
 

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An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”

”Who said my Dad’s dead?”

The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”

“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”

“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”

”Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”

“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”

“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”

”Who said he wanted to?”

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Costco.
Costco?' the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Costco?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’
 
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