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Good evening

Due to Brexit, the rising cost of living,

gas and electricity prices, the current state of the economy,

the incompetence of the ruling elite to provide a solution.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been officially turned off! :eek:
 

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A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
 

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Maybe not so much a joke but it's a laugh!

Manyana the meaning


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne
Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana"). Diamond asked him to
explain what it meant.

He said that the term means: "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the
next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next
year. Who really cares?"

The host turned to speak to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe
(aboriginal) who was also on the show.

She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

"Nah", he replied, "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


.
 

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The brain is the most amazing organ.
It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!


Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
 

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REGARDING BREXIT Letter to the Daily Mail!!! I cant wait for the clocks to go back I am going to put mine back to 1940 when the country had some balls. Another letter to the Daily Mail!!! I dont recall the Monster Raving Loony Party being voted into government!
 

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Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have
her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next
year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year – she didn’t show, and the staff wondered what
happened…A couple of years later she shows up, but she’s not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened – did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn’t been there having a baby the past couple of
years, she replied “No, no more. Found out what was causing’ it.”


.
 

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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?”
The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.”
The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ”
Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing”
“Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants?
The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ”
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
The guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?”
The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
 

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A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel. :grin:
 

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A man takes his pet goldfish to the vets, excuse me, I think my goldfish has epilepsy......The Vet looks down, " No he looks fine to me ", Man says, "how do you know that, ......I haven't taken him out the bowl yet."
 

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“I’m perpetually exhausted” Joe told his psychiatrist. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Glasgow to Land’s End and in the morning when I wake up I’m dog tired”.
“Beginning tonight then” advised the psychiatrist, “you stop the truck at Carlisle and then I’ll drive it on to Land’s End”.
Later at the bar, the greatly relieved Joe was talking to his friend Jake when Jake remarked “You know, each night I dream I’m being forced to satisfy four beautiful women. Then I wake up and see the wife asleep beside me. It’s doing my head in!”
Joe said “You should try my shrink, he works wonders”
Jake took Joe’s advice but the next time Joe saw him, Jake was in a worse state than ever.
“What happened to you?” asked Joe “Wasn’t my shrink able to help you?”

“Oh, he took away the chicks all right” moaned Jake “but now I have to pick up a damned truck at Carlisle and then drive it all the way to Land’s End!”
 

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“I’m perpetually exhausted” Joe told his psychiatrist. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Glasgow to Land’s End and in the morning when I wake up I’m dog tired”.
“Beginning tonight then” advised the psychiatrist, “you stop the truck at Carlisle and then I’ll drive it on to Land’s End”.
Later at the bar, the greatly relieved Joe was talking to his friend Jake when Jake remarked “You know, each night I dream I’m being forced to satisfy four beautiful women. Then I wake up and see the wife asleep beside me. It’s doing my head in!”
Joe said “You should try my shrink, he works wonders”
Jake took Joe’s advice but the next time Joe saw him, Jake was in a worse state than ever.
“What happened to you?” asked Joe “Wasn’t my shrink able to help you?”

“Oh, he took away the chicks all right” moaned Jake “but now I have to pick up a damned truck at Carlisle and then drive it all the way to Land’s End!”
so thats what joe and jake who entered eurovision are up to these days :grin:
 

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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
 

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Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
It’s good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
 

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A quiet moment to spend and listen!



 

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It's the day of the annual Village Fete with the usual stalls and side-shows etc. One feature is a friendly five-a-side football game between two teams of blind footballers.
An onlooker is intrigued. “How do they know where the ball is?” he asked. “That's easy,” came the reply, “the ball contains a small bell and they know its exact whereabouts.”
The game arrives at half-time and the teams and officials are told to return after a short break, during which, our onlooker rushes to the refreshment tent pleading for an official's immediate assistance.
“What's the matter?” says one curtly, still sipping his drink.
“You'd better come quick!” came the reply, “Some fool blew a whistle and they're now kicking the crap out of a Morris Dancer!”


.
 

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
 

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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 

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Man runs over a deer takes it home for dinner ,won't tell the kids what it is or they won't eat it ,6 year old daughter what is it dad ,I will give you a clue it is what your mother calls me ,6 year old to little brother don't eat it it's an arsehole.
 

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
 
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