Vauxhall Mokka Forums banner

481 - 500 of 532 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of > Chicken > Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where > Chicken > Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so > Chicken Little > went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the > sky is > falling!' > The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do > you think that > farmer said?' > One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he > said: > 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'' > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 > minutes.
This one made me giggle.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
A man tells a priest " I have a strong desire to live for eternity. What am I supposed to do?"
"Get married" replied the priest.
"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"No, but the desire will disappear" replied the priest.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careered down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
"The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA."
The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
A Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment!
He had been trying to give it away for 15 years,
but nobody would return his emails.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "He wants to see your driver's license."
The woman hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The woman looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
Stolen from Facebook (sorry)

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
Last wishes..........

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again" ?
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey ? Please ? Just one more time before I die". She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we..." ?

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny …. but I have to get up in the morning and you don't" !!!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ...
"The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me ****
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

'Cos **** can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,138 Posts
Horoscope Predictions

For those who believe in horoscopes this is serious stuff

During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it," said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I," replied the doctor,
"But my thermometer just broke in your bum."
 
481 - 500 of 532 Posts
Top